A week ago I spoke about how my actions and my way of thinking may influence the way my children might behave. I was worried my tween might turn into a paranoid schizophrenic thanks to the stranger-danger badgering I had been been drilling into them. Well I shouldn’t be because today she surprised me again. She keeps me on my toes, this child of mine. She is full of surprises and sometimes it can get a tad annoying because just when I believed I had cracked the code of knowing her, she springs up a new dilemma. Life is like a box of chocolates when you have kids, you never know what you gonna get except that they all go to your hips.
She surprised me again, when she announced she had the perfect birthday gift for that friend of hers. The same friend whom she was afraid of sharing her joy for being nominated as a school prefect because she was certain her friend would have ruined her chances from being selected.
“Are you-“, I cut myself off before finishing my initial reaction which was “are you crazy?” with my eyebrows pulled together but changed it to “are you sure?” with one raised brow while trying very hard to hide my cynicism.
Why this sudden change of heart I wondered but I was wrong to think of that. There was no change of heart and neither did her friend change her behaviour in a certain manner, that made my tween happy and she felt like rewarding her friend. She was simply doing what felt good regardless of the way her friend was. She was loving by caring less.
Once more, the teacher has become the student.
For me life is simple, there is black and white. I know grey exists but that’s a grey area and is sometimes easier left alone. Why complicate things right? I would have simply avoided that friend because it’s hard to stick around someone who wasn’t thrilled for my success and was rooting for me to fail because my happiness was tied to the way she behaved.
Children on the other hand, are so pure and not judgmental. They live in the present and immediately forget what happened just minutes ago. They forget the agony and the reasons for why they wailed. They move on and don’t hold grudges or tread carefully afterwards. They just listen to their heart when it is calling to them. They wear their hearts on their sleeve. They are detached while being attached.
Just like a beautiful lotus flower that doesn’t let the muddy water of its pond affect its beauty.
My happiness is tied up to so many things that are not in my control and I strongly believe it holds the key to my happiness. That if it somehow conformed to my desires or wants, I would be happy.
- if only I could see clearly without my glasses, then I would be happier
- if only I didn’t have hair issues, then I would be happier
- if only my daughter stopped questioning me, I would be happier
- if only my kids were all grown up
- if only they were still babies
so many ‘ifs’, you get my drift right?
It is hard to behave like a lotus flower because I am so affected by my surrounding. I mirror the emotions I experience. Instead of staying aloof of the emotional jungle and keep my mind clear, pure and alert, I get sucked (sometimes willingly) into the negativity around me, and I’d bitch and bitch and bitch till the cows come home or someone points it out that I am going overboard with it or I recluse into my shell, thinking ignorance is bliss but it isn’t.
I was a child too once upon a time. What had gone wrong with my navigation? Do all children grow up to be lost like me?